I asked David to describe me as a photographer to help with a bio I have to write. I am not sure if he is totally off the mark or spot on - it made me giggle anyway.

"You take really good photographs all the time. And when you don't take a good photograph you MAKE it a good photograph in Photoshop."

Huh uh?

THAT'S how you do it then?

Tags: David

Walking away from the school with Jessica holding my hand tight and both of us keeping our heads down against the wind and rain, I asked her how had her day been. It's a stupid question, I suppose, dude - she was at school all day - how COULD it have been?

"It was ok, apart from the part where it rained ALL day."

For some reason this gave me a fit of the giggles for a few minutes and we discussed how I find her so funny. I can't explain to her why I think she is so astute.

Iain has taken my car apart - part of the dashboard is sitting in the rear seat. A guy was supposed to come to work and pick the car up to fix the air conditioning in it. I was in work at 9.30am on Thursday and he never turned up. I was less than impressed.

When we got to the car Jessica asked what had happened to the "glove department" and why was it lying open like that. When I told her Daddy had done it to help the man she nodded and told me that "Daddy is very very good at that sort of thing." I was pleased she was able to see that. Until she continued with "It's a pity he takes so long over doing some things though isn't it?"

Oh how astute she IS!

While we were watching Britain's Got Talent earlier on (my FAV program at the moment!) it was a little risqué at one point and the judges started to comment on the sex life of the married couple taking part. The words "sex" and "sexy" were used. Jessica turned to me and, wide-eyed, asked me what "sexy" meant. Where was Iain when I needed him? Thankfully my answer must have satisfied her as she didn't go on to ask what "sex" meant.

David slipped in beside me as I was watching Ross this evening. There was a photo of a naked woman on the screen. "Ew! Ew! Ew! That's GROSS!" I tried to distract him but it only served to remind him of something he had seen recently.

"Mummy, you know the newspapers Daddy puts down for Bailey at night? This morning when I looked at the paper there was a page which had a lady on it and she was NAKED! EW! EW! EW!"

It wasn't long ago we didn't have to worry about that sort of thing. Perhaps I need to encourage Iain to read a better class of paper from now on!

Tags: Jessica, David, Children, Quotes

I looked in on the children before going to bed. Jessica was lying with the light full on and music blaring. She had her stuffed dog Jess tightly caught in her arm and a thumb in her mouth. We are trying very hard to get both the children to stop sucking their thumbs but there is still something very cute about her lying with it half hanging out of her mouth.

Jessica was talking to Nanna yesterday about how she really wants to beat David in the race to stopping first. She told Nanna that she goes to sleep every night without sucking her thumb. As I caught her eye with a questioning raised eye on my side she quickly added "but sometimes it just slips in to my mouth when I am sleeping!"

Indeed. Has a mind of its own!

I hugged her tonight and rubbed her hand and tickled the palm of her hand, half hoping she would wake up and throw her heavy arm round my neck for a hug but she didn't tonight. She was fast asleep.

David was a different matter. At 11.11pm he was lying in bed reading. We talked for a moment about geeky things. I have been downloading games for him and he wanted to know how they were getting along.

I asked him what he was reading. He held the book up and said "The Magic Faraway Tree." I was quite surprised by that. Recently he has been reading lots of Chris Ryan (the children's versions) and I was delighted he had taken a step back to more childish books.

"Oh oh oh! I loved The Magic Faraway Tree when I was a child" I told him.

I don't think he believed me because he asked me if I could tell him the names of some of the characters.

"Oh oh oh oh MOONFACE!" I was happy to have remembered one! Don't forget, you are talking about thirty years ago now! I was reading these books before some of you were born. Points at you, you, you and you. Yes and YOU!

"And?"

"Ummmmm. . . "

Finally I had a flashback and said "SAUCEPAN MAN!!!"

"Huh uh. He is the deaf one."

"Pardon?"

"He is the deaf one."

"Pardon?"

"MUMMY!"

Muhahahaha. Works every time.

David has been invited to a sleep over for one night. It will be his first, I suppose boys don't have sleep overs as much as girls. We have him all ready with three pairs of pants, four pairs of socks, jammie bottoms and one tooth brush. That is about all the clothes he packed. Saying that, he packed those himself. I was quite impressed. He also has his latest book, his Nintendo DS, two XBox controllers (they will be playing in a competition), his iPod Nano . . . he has more technology with him than they used to put men on the moon.

He has also taken his tub of Farty Putty that Jessica gave him for Christmas. He didn't want to show me that when we inspected his bag because he knows I don't like that word. Farty. Not Putty. Putty has its uses at times. I can say that ok. Fart is just not a word we use in this house. Hands up how many of you have ever heard me say it out loud? I am only typing it here because I can shut my eyes while I do it.

I played with the Farty Putty for quite a while - it is strangely compulsive stuff - thinking about how there is no way *I* would have had that as a child.

David came and sat beside me and we discussed some words. He asked why I don't like some words.

Is Fart a word you don't like?

Why don't you like it?

Is it a BAD word?

By this stage I was sitting with a big confused, embarrassed grin on my face. It is hard to explain the weirdness in my head at times.

Someone on tv said the word "sexy" and he gasped and said "Is SEXY a bad word? . . . . . . is SEX a bad word?"

I shook my head and said "No, it isn't a bad word but sometimes it depends on how it is said."

I am still blinking from the shock of his next "Have you ever had sex Mummy?" in his sweetest little boy voice, stroking my hand and sucking his thumb.

Seemingly he had overheard a story told at Nanna's the other day and he had worked out that sex was involved in making babies.

He then started to pretend to vomit. "Ew. Gross. I can't believe that you have had sex. That is gross. Ew. And so has Kim! Kim has had sex!"

I wondered if we were going to have to sit there while he mentally ticked off every single person in the world as he worked out that they had had sex.

This conversation has come one day after I thought that we would have at least another year before we needed to have this sort of conversation with him. This has come about ten years sooner than I WANTED to have this conversation and in fact - where is his Father in all of this?

I wonder what he knows. What kind of garbled thoughts does he have? Does he just have a few ideas so far. . .

Reminds me of the time I asked my grandmother to make me a sandwich with vagina ham rather than Virginia Ham. I wonder did she choke on her own spit too.

I have a long running joke with Gill (my next door neighbour and child minder) when I pick up the kids at night. We try to make out that each of us was worse off as a child. She always wins because she is much funnier than I am and able to think considerably faster on her (much older) feet.

Last week David presented me with an upturned sole-of-a-shoe showing that the whole sole was flapping around like a [insert something witty and flap-like here - like other people can write that makes me think - wtf - how did you EVER think THAT combination of random words up - is there a web site of weird things to copy and paste from? - I will try to remember to point some out to you sometime but can't even think of someone else's example now - that is how lame *I* am]. I gave him the normal speech of "Weeelllll when *I* was YOUR age and my shoes fell apart, my Grandad mended them for me and when I out grew them he took the bread knife and cut the toes off them to let me get a few more weeks of use . . . "

To be honest, all I ever say is "Weeeeelllllll whennnnnn IIIIIIIII wasssssss yourrrr aggeeeeee" and David runs from the room with his hands over his ears shouting "Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala" It is possible he may have heard that story before.

As a matter of record, when I WAS his age my Grandad DID mend shoes to keep them going for another while - it was what was done in those days. He also DID cut the toes off my *sandshoes* as they were called in that region. As far as I remember he did this once for me but I kinda exaggerate the story so as to compete with Gill's "We didn't have shoes at all." You get the game plan?

This evening I picked them up and some comment was made about "saving pennies." When that phrase is used I always flash-back to Old Pennies of the Pre-Decimalisation Time (around 1971). I used to save the Old One Pennies on a shelf under the stairs in our house. I remember spending that type of money, although it was really on it's way out by then. There were quite a few years where the two types of coin mingled together in pockets.

In an attempt to be witty I told David that Gill would remember saving pennies "when it was Old Money" but she got a quip in about me having more opportunity to save . . . and back and forwards it went for a few moments with me feeling like a not-very-funny heckler. David raised an eyebrow and asked me what on earth we were talking about so I told him that I used to save Old Money to which he asked "What? Like Roman Money?"

Out numbered and out smarted, I left.

If you would like two children, you can pick them up next door for sixpence and thruppence a-piece.

I have a thing about weapons. I have a thing about guns and knives and just weapons in general. I mean the pretend, toy kind. I don't like them. Never have. Don't want my children to play with them and the more I don't want them to play with them the more they want them.

I can't explain my aversion to these things - other than *ew - why would you want them?* I don't like *cap guns* for the obvious, repetitive-noise-getting-on-my-nerves reason but I particularly don't want guns of any sort in the house.

The funny thing is, I am in love with real guns, I love cowboy and western films and still drool over the yellow gloves the Cavalry wore - remember them - I still want a pair of yellow leather gloves like that . . . I spent many hours on gun ranges firing various weapons when I was younger and would LOVE to join a shooting range. My brother is in some sort of shooting team somewhere or other (yea - I paid a lot of attention there then didn't I?) and I would love it if he were to invite me to play along some day.

Guns in Shooting Clubs and Guns for Clay Pigeon Shooting - yea - that is ok. Guns in 5 year olds hands in MY FRONT GARDEN - not so keen on that sight.

When David started to go out to play with the boys in the development we quickly came to realise that Jack next door is Army mad. He has surplus weapons to hand out to his army should the troops arrive un-armed and I had to force a rule of *no guns on our property,* which, of course is totally un-enforcable so it became *no guns in our house.* That meant that any visitor to our house, when there were 5 or 6 wee lads upstairs playing XBox, would be greeted by a complete arsenal of weaponry on our doorstep because every child in the neighbourhood knew the rule and hated me for it. I know the other mummies think I am mad.

Iain thinks I am mad. I get no support in my "banning of items" and at every turn he goes behind my back and winks at David while buying him yet another plastic "Policeman Gun, Badge and Real Handcuffs with Two Keys and Walkie Talkie" set which at the grand price of £3.99 is going to last forever isn't it?

We have the rule now that if I see any lying about the place it must be because David doesn't want them any more and they need to be put in the bin. I don't see many these days.

On Christmas Day we arrived round at Nanna's to meet up with the rest of the family to find that Iain's 15 year old nephew had been given a BB gun as a present by his Dad. I was totally appalled. The thing you have to remember here is that this child has a mental age of around 9 or 10 - the gun is not to be used by anyone under the age of 18. I wasn't amused. How do you explain to David NO HE FECKING CANT GO INTO THE GARDEN WITH THE BB GUN WITH HIS WEE SISTER FOR TARGET PRACTICE. . . . NOW do you see my point??

So. There is the background to my story.

This afternoon I was in my en-suite, doing what you do in an en-suite. Well, actually, I was sorting through hundreds of photography magazines and putting into magazine holders as I use our shower as a bookcase. . . that is another story all together. Let me know if you want to hear it. (The Mac Mags aren't in this photo and there are the same number of photography ones on the floor still to be sorted out.)

David had just run outside to see if Jack was coming round to play XBox when the most almighty, screaming, terrifying, ear-piercing, heart-pounding sobbing started to bounce round the walls. David came running into the en-suite with blood pouring out of his mouth and down his chin and all over his fleece. I mean POURING! MY first thought was that he had tripped and knocked a tooth out but after cleaning it up and cuddling him (not too close - Dude - New Favourite Hoodie!!!) I realised that it was just a split lip. A very bad, sore looking, split lip.

I think he was a little alarmed by the amount of blood that was ebbing away and it took a minute of two to calm him down enough to get a story out of him.

He had been running round to Jack's with his Lightsaber in his hand. It was (I can't think of a better word) erect. As he ran he used one hand to push it to it's closed position but it didn't lock into place and immediately sprang fully again with a lot of force, making contact with his lower lip.

You know when you find something totally hilarious but you absolutely know that you can not betray that emotion, on pain of death? Well I tried not to snigger and I think I got away with it. Three times he told me that story in the bathroom.

Then when Daddy got home we had him reenact it with the would-be murder weapon, in slow motion, and I know that there were tears coming from Iain as he bit his lip not to laugh. My chest was heaving. As I snorted once. Or twice.

Ok, so it was funny,

Not as funny as when David turned round and said, "You know, this was very very painful and really children shouldn't be allowed weapons like this - people could get very badly hurt. I blame whoever bought this for me." He cast an accusatory eye around the room, focusing on me for a millisecond as I raised an eyebrow at him in a "Don't even THINK ABOUT IT BUSTER," way, then swivelled on round to look at Iain, pointing, "DADDY!"

See? SEE? Think of the damage a plastic knife could have done! Or the handcuffs?! OR, God forbid, THE BADGE!

Today is David's tenth birthday. We had a party for him and a few of his mates from school. It was grand fun and everyone behaved beautifully. We went to the IMAX, the Ten Pin Bowling and then had some food. Can you believe I had no proper cameras home with me and only took some video footage of the bowling on the camera phone.

David got lots of money and gift vouchers and the iPod Nano from us which he was very happy with and then a digital camera of his own from Nanna and Papa and a big tub of K'Nex from Aunty Lesley. He is delighted with the camera and has already put a request in for a larger memory card as it only came with 16mb! How skimpy is that?

I cant believe that ten years ago I was doing this:

David was the most handsome baby ever and, as I have said before, complete strangers used to stop me in the street to congratulate me on such a beautiful baby. Even the Health Visitor assured me she never told Mum's lies and that he WAS gorgeous!

I distinctly remember having a very wobbly moment one day when Aunty Lesley came round to see David when he was a couple of months old. She asked me about my hopes for the new baby's future. . . what I thought he would look like when he was ten. . . I looked at her, with all the trepidation of a new mummy, burst into tears and replied that I just hoped that he lived til he was ten and that I didn't kill him before then.

I know that sounds really strange now but when you are new to it all and hear stories of parents accidentally killing their children with overdoses of salt, or not hearing the baby choking in their room in the middle of the night, or their toddler hanging themselves by accident with their dressing gown belt, not forgetting outside dangers. It was only a couple of short years before that James Bulger had been kidnapped and killed and I was pregnant when the horrific massacre happened at Dunblane. It is very scary to be a new parent. We were never too sure that we were doing it right.

I remember when David was still in the Moses basket on the floor beside our bed (he was under four months old cos he went into his own room at four months) and he had a stinking cold. I had a packet of Karvol and before going to sleep that night I popped one out of the blister pack to pour the liquid on his pillow but dropped it. I was going to leave it and pop out another one but something made me turn the light on and search for it. It was balanced on the baby's cheek. It could so easily have fallen into his mouth and choked him. Every time I see a packet of Karvol I think about the night I nearly choked David. . .

Today I looked at how tall he has become. The joke is that he is nearly as tall as his Nanna but really, it wont be all that long before his is as tall as his Mother. There will be no mission of discipline THEN! He is maturing quickly as you can hear in his confident speech patterns and use of vocabulary. God, I wonder what I am unleashing on the world at times.

I'll never forget giving that answer to Lesley and for the last ten years I have been holding my breath, ticking off the days to his tenth birthday and hoping that one day soon we will know what we are doing.

Well, we made it. We didn't kill him and so far he hasn't killed us either, try as he might. We are still winging it. We still haven't a clue what we are doing and still reckon we are playing at being grown ups.

Sometimes I can't believe they allowed immature people like us to breed.

The school runs a disco every Hallowe'en for P4 and up. David has been to it a couple of times now. It was at his first one that we realised he is a bit of a raver - he seems to love discos and always comes back covered in sweat, tired and happy.

This year I had my instructions. He wanted a new outfit and face paints. On pain of death was I to go home without a suitable get-up for him. I picked up what was needed in the pound shop and nipped home early, knowing he would need plenty of time to do the make up, fix his hair and get ready only to find the childminder had the kids away and was late getting back! We had a total of ten minutes to get everything done. . . .

At 7pm he was ready to leave! He had a vampire suit on, glow in the dark face paint and half a head of purple hair and half green with glow in the dark highlights. The best bit was the dripping blood from his vampire teeth.

What a lovely two hours. Iain and I had a quiet tea, Jessica went to bed sensibly and I remembered that next year David will spend a few days in Edinburgh on a school trip. Suddenly I got a lump in my throat and asked Iain "Are you ready for David to go away for a few days without us?" He looked at me. "How will you cope with him leaving, do you think?" I continued. He put down his knife and fork, waved enthusiastically and said "BUH-BYEEEEEEEE!"

As predicted, David came home tired, happy and this year he was also jubilant! He won second place in the fancy dress contest! He won loads of wee prizes including a couple of packs of chocolate which he shared with me for "making him look so cool."

I do have my uses. It's nice to be recognised sometimes. It isn't why you do things - but it sure is nice to get a little recognition just once in a while.

Things have been getting on top of me recently. There are several things I am not particularly happy about - no less the fact that I have a project to hand in on Tuesday which is not done yet and not really looking at the moment that it is going to be done. About the only thing I am cocky about is the essay which I did yesterday with a little help from my friends Mr Copy and Mrs Paste.

Today was spent in the studio where my stuff is all spread out (still) ready to be worked on (still). I went there whilst dispatching my long suffering husband and happy children off to my Mother's to wish her a Happy Birthday with the well thought out gifts that Iain was going to buy on the way and I hope he remembered a card too. . .

When I returned after a day of hard graft, Jessica was already in bed, David met me in the drive way having had to be phoned to come home from his mate's and Iain was in the living room stretched out on the sofa I am going to have great pleasure in seeing the back off in a few weeks when our new ones arrive.

Me? I was an emotional wreck and in tears from . . . everything. I had already snotted up the sleeve of my hoodie so moved on to Iain's jumper.

I finally went into the kitchen using the sense of feel cos - when I cry - it isn't a pretty sight - eyes all puffy n all - can't see. . .

Poured myself a bowl of Crunchy Nut for tea and Iain came in to tell me he had bought Nutty Nut on the way home! Yay! Poured half the Crunch Nut back in the box and waited for the Nutty Nut to be brought in from the car.

David, in the meantime, came in and was quite distressed to see me in such a state. We cuddled and I assured him it was just because I was tired.

We chatted about our day. Today was the first day David and I started to text each other. There was a flurry of texts at one point, all very matter of fact ones. Where Are You? What Are You Doing? etc. I'll make a geek out of him yet - have to start off gently.

I then asked him how it had gone at Nanna Lou's, where they had gone for tea and if she had liked her birthday presents. And finally, if he had enjoyed his day.

He replied "I was ok, but would have been so much better had you been there. We missed you."

I started sobbing again at that and hugged him tighter. This alarmed him - what had he said that was so awful that it had made me cry again?

Oh David - you have so much to learn about females!

His response was lovely, un-prompted and just what I needed to hear. Please send me a link to this entry the next time I tell you he has been cracking me up, pushing me, testing me, clashing with me, shouting at me, throwing a tantrum, slamming doors and tormenting Jessica to the point where they are then fighting at the top of their voices.

During these times it is very difficult to see him as the lovable wee dote of a child that he still is when he remembers that he loves his Mummy. I think we both need to be reminded that we DO love one another and that is is my first born and my dote and my love and how much he changed my life when he arrived almost ten years ago now and . . . . . oh god - there I go again - off to find my hoodie sleeve again. . . .

I came up the stairs and found David getting ready for bed. His lights were all on and the window blinds half open letting the light escape into the night. Seems wasteful huh?

I asked him to shut his blinds in a "David, can you shut your blinds at night please?" way. He nodded.

I said "Do it now for me please pet."

I can't climb over the sofa bed like he can to reach the window.

He then told me he couldn't do the blinds because of the spiders. I rolled my eyes at him in a "I can't believe you are afraid of spiders" way. I don't like to transfer my likes and dislikes on to the children . . .

"No, Mummy, one of the spiders has had babies in the window and I don't want to disturb them until they are all grown up."

OMG! I had to run out at that point! You think he noticed my dislikes then??