I am just back from Nanna's where we go, as you know, every Saturday. While the kids took the dog out the back I sat chatting to Papa. He was telling me about a radio program he had been listening to earlier. It had some guest speaker on it talking about his MISTRESSES (plural!). He commented that before he had come on air he had looked up a dictionary to find the definition of the word "mistress". Either someone phoned in, or someone in the studio then told him that they knew the definition.

"First there is a Master. Then there is a Mattress. And the Mistress comes in between."

I raised an eyebrow at that and giggled, wondering if Papa had retold THAT story in front of Nanna.

THEN he delivered the punch line.

"I think that is an instance of when the word is spelled c. u. m. not c. o. m. e. You know?"

The last he heard was my "Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala," as I ran screaming from the room with my fingers in my ears.

Tags: Roy

I made a phone call the other day to my friend Siobhan to ask her to come to the studio to see what I had done so far for the project. She wasn't in and there was no answering machine. About an hour later she rang me back - returning the call - but not having a clue who she was ringing. It took a second or two for her to tune in to who she was talking to - not expecting a call from me combined with a very sore ear, made for a confused Siobhan.

Later that night I received an email from her which ended:
P.S. did I tell you earlier that when you rang I thought you said you were Stevenson Cummins [ a local estate agents ] , I thought some one had sold my house with out me knowing, not that there'd be a big market, but I like it, at least enough not to be homeless.

At least not enough to be homeless!

Kinda reminds you of the Suuuuuuusan post I made a while back huh?

Drunk chick #1: laughing hysterically: Okay, let's come up with a code word to say every time we see one of them. Something really random, like... shoelace.
Drunk chick #2: Julius?
Drunk chick #1: still laughing: No, shoelace. Shoelace!
Drunk chick #2: Okay. Julius. Look! There's a Julius!

If you love Northern Ireland, have any friends in Northern Ireland, have ever been to Northern Ireland, ever driven in Northern Ireland or if you are missing being "at home" and need a little whiff of Northern Ireland, I urge you to listen to this.

Let me know how much you think the unit should be sold at. Let me know what your favourite bit is. Mine is the boy who made a fortune buying and selling pallets. . . Let me know how much you laughed . . .

You can have a listen to the follow up as well . . .

This one gave me a little grin. I found it in my inbox the other day from Hazel but only just got round to listening to it this evening. You can hear it before it happens but it is still very funny.

Phoning ASDA. . . .

Did it make you laugh?

Got these from my brother today. Made me smile.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
****
You invented Tipp Ex didn't you? Correct me if I'm wrong.
****
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
****
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'
****
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
****
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, So where's Ken?"
****
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
****
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
****
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
****
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
****
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
****
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
****
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
****
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
****
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I'm trying to trace someone."
****
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
****
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No no, it's permanent."
****
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
****
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
****
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!"
****
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
****
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
****
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police cameand asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
****
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.
****
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a trio of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
****
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar?" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


Which one made you smile the most?

I have an internet mate from Holland - I read her blog and chat to her now and then and sometimes I explain things in English to her. She doesn't need much help in that department though. She has moved to Wolverhampton for studies and has blogged about her first few days in England. I sat and grinned a little at:


We bought some things, but you can buy anyyything there. Even Dutch cheese! Edam <3 I bought some cheddar also but that is just ..don't know. It's nice, but it's not cheese. So far, all of us have been really as our wonderful new tutor would call it 'tourist-like' by complaining (well not really, just observing and discussing) about the local people, buildings and weather. The weather? cold. Still people walk in shorts, do not wear coats etc. The most popular fashion here? jogging suits and trainers. Lots of Londsdale also. A lot of tight greasy ponytails and golden jewellery. Lots of chewing gum, teenage mothers with pink kiddie carts, lots of big fat men with tattoos and shaved heads.

"But it's not cheese" *wipes tears*

Her friend also felt the need to order "haggis, neeps and tatties" from the menu. Like - the locals eat that every day too!

Poor Juliette! What an introduction to the UK!

It's a while since I chuckled at this sort of thing. Apologies if you have seen them all before - if you have just move along quietly.

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread. These are not made up. Check them out yourself!


1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com.

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com.

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net.

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com.

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales , www.molestationnursery.com.

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always; www.ipanywhere.com.

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com.

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

Thanks to Jacqui for this and a big Happy Birthday to Suzanne!

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I have stuck this into the category "Humour" because it is too late to start adding new categories and "Total Embarrassment" isn't one I wish to use too often anyway!

I had today, what we used to call a "red-ner." I never heard it being called that outside Northern Ireland and I am glad to say I have never had to spell it before - so forgive me if I have spelled it incorrectly. It is "Having a ruddy or flushed complexion: red with embarrassment" and also described in my hearing today on a totally different subject as "Having a Colour."

Total Embarrassment suitably sums it up though.

We were in college. We had Sybil all morning: the craic is mighty with Sybil at the moment. There are only ever three or four of us at any given time and that has led to me being a little more jokey with her than I was last year and her a little less formal with us. It is safe to say I am enjoying my relationship with the tutors this year.

We discussed a few things before lunch and then she left the room, we cleared up and while I was waiting for the others to finish off I heard Sybil walking back down the corridor outside. You can't mistake her walk - it is the walk of a person shorter than me - you know - umm - a short person. The corridors are easy to make a lot of noise in and whatever shoes she wears you can always hear her coming. No one else makes those same distinctive footsteps.

Huh uh.

I was just about to walk out the classroom door, heard her coming and then at the last moment without looking, poked my head out and said "BOO!"

Perhaps Sybil ISN'T the only short person in the building wearing stupid noisy shoes then huh?

Some poor woman - a total stranger to myself - was walking past and I scared the wits out of her by appearing from nowhere and shouting BOO at her. She probably has grounds to sue me!

She jumped a considerable height, walked two or three more steps, spun round to look at me and then said "What did you pick on ME for?" Well, that floored me - I didn't have an answer for that one. I raised an eyebrow and looked sheepish, fervently hoping that no one inside the classroom had noticed and kept on about my business. I couldn't even bring myself to apologise!

It wasn't until I was telling the tale to Jacqui on the phone that I started to see the funny side of it all. The red-ner started to subside about then.

Why did I pick on her? Um . . .because she wasn't Sybil . . . because she was short? That'll do! Stupid short people - walking along corridors with noisy shoes on - what's that all about then? There ought to be a law saying that other people HAVE to shout BOO at them. I was only doing my duty!

Nah - I have NO idea why I did it - one of those "seemed a good idea at the time" things. It wouldn't even have been funny if it HAD been Sybil! I sincerely hope that I never meet that woman again in the corridor, that she never recognises me and that she didn't wet herself at the shock of it all as much as I did laughing about it on the phone later.

Oooops! Not the kind of red I really want as my signature colour! *Pulls hoodie over head* No one else noticed did they?

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Since I added OverheardintheOffice, OverheardinNewYork and OverheardattheBeach to my RSS Reader (NetNewsWire and still going strong and loving it more and more) I have had a daily chuckle at the things people have been overheard saying. Most of them are so politically incorrect it's not serious! But, as they have been said by real people then it is ok to laugh at them yea?

Many times I have been tempted to tell you them - but as you can now add them to your own bookmarks there is no point in me pointing them out to you. It is a bit like reading the good bits out of the paper and then handing you the paper to read yourself!

However.

This one had me laughing:

Mother to father: Oh my! Jerry, say something to that old man. His testicles are hanging out of his swimsuit.
Little girl: I have testicles. They're in my mouth. [Opens mouth]
Mother: Not tonsils. Testicles!
Father: Seven, and already MTV has ruined her.

It reminded me of when I was a wee young thing working in an office. Two of us worked for a guy in his own house in his converted front room. His family came and went as we worked away. One day his 9 year old daughter (she is all grown up and married now) came in and we chatted to her about various things. For some reason we were talking about animals and the conversation came round to sea creatures.

Seemingly, according to her, an octopus has eight testicles.

Fiona and I choked on our tea, Mervyn suddenly became interested in what was out the window and poor Lisa stood saying "What? What? What? IT IS EIGHT!"


(I don't have a photo of an octopus - all those trips to aquariums and I never thought to take a photo of an octopus!)

. . . If you don't - spend three minutes watching this - I think it is cool.

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Cos Dude - you wouldn't want to drink the stuff!

Then - when you have watched that little lot - have a looksee here at what happens if you don't burp regularly - this would NEVER happen to me - for two reasons!

This comes courtesy of my cousin Iain!

I am confused.

What else is it 4?

Andrex Aqua Toilet Tissue 4 x wee?

Andrex Aqua Toilet Tissue 4 x snt?

I don't have a WishList for real anywhere else. This is the only one. Just so there is no misunderstanding or accidents - this is the only thing I want.

The first person to buy me it gets to come and christen it!

Oh Yea Baby! What would you call it? The "pDock"? The ipDock? For the guys - the ipstandingupDock. . . . for me - the ipmyselfinanticipationDock. . . . Oh please make it be a real thing - this is about the coolest "crappiest" thing I have ever seen!

I jiggled my finances today. All my recent "new business set up costs" are on credit card - cos - really - I was going to be making so much money with in the first quarter that it didn't matter about the humungous interest rates did it?

They ARE bad but now under control. I have been avoiding opening a pile of post recently allowing the weight of the panic to push me down. I knew what they all said - my 4 credit cards all wanted me to pay them off immediately and were going to send several big lads with sledge hammers round if I didn't. The longer I ignored the letters the longer I kept the inevitable away.

This is a really weird concept for me - as - if any of my friends or family had a problem I not only would be able to help them face up to it but would also be able to take that problem on board and deal with it myself. Well - feel free to sort out any of my problems for me cos some of them I just never get round to dealing with.

Today was the last in a long list of days when I sat down with the unopened letters to look at the "PO Box" numbers on the back - second guessing which company wanted how much. Eventually I realised that if it wasn't done today I would have another weekend of worry.

So - they were all opened slowly but surely and I found that about 6 of them were all for the same card (it has been a while since I started to ignore them!) and all they wanted was a mere £35.01 and they were able to take that over the phone via debit card there and then AND they were able to set up a direct debit for the minimum balance for future payments. That is where the problem originated - I just can not pay bills manually - it just never happens. If a DD is in place - happy days - that is it sorted.

A couple of the other letters were just recent statements - yea - they were asking for minimum payments but they aren't due just yet and one of them is DD anyway. The other I rang and asked for a DD application form to be sent out to me. Why one card can set that up via a telephone call and the other has to ask a supervisor for permission to send out forms totally escapes me.

Oh. And the final bill-y looking one? It was from a card which I have never had a problem with because they set up a DD immediately. Clever them!

What did they want? Oh, nothing much. . . . They just want to increase my credit limit to £6k. . . . . . . bloody hell - do they not know me? What is that all about? One card is threatening to do my knee caps and the other is handing me a rope to hang myself!

Of Course The sand is hard enough to drive on. . . . . .

Look - I am admitting nothing. So what if the tide was coming in? I had complete faith in my husband (who was actually about a mile away at the time.) I never had a moment's hesitation.

The funniest bit was when the car load of youngsters tried to help and the passenger wheel start to spin - covering one of them in a spray of sand.

I didn't laugh. Much. And I didn't feel the need to take my foot off the accelerator too quickly either.

This was taken by David with his wee disposable camera. Handy eh?

Yesterday I had the complete and utter pleasure of being with my Dutch friend when she met up with her brother who she hadn't seen for a couple of months. (How cool is it to be able to say "my Dutch friend" ?. . .  how many of you out there can say that? Ok ok - don't all be showing off at once!)

We sat and had coffee while they caught up with their gossip. They were so polite and considerate in keeping the conversation in English and involving me in it. But I was absolutely dying to hear some real Dutch spoken! I can't say I have ever heard any before and was busting a gut for them to slip into their mother tongue. I could recognise French, German and Spanish at a pinch (not understand - just recognise it) but I wouldn't have known Dutch from err. . .  any other language other than the above!

Eventually he didn't understand something she meant and she explained in Dutch. Hallebloodylujah! I thought they were never going to get round to it!

It is fantastic! And so weird to hear someone you know is so fluent in English speaking fluently (of course!) in another language. That just isn't fair.  What's that all about? Tut.

Here is how the conversation went:

"Blahblah de blahbla blah pft blah blah Rotterdam blahblah de blahbla blah pft suiker blah blah de blahbla blah pft ei kaas blah blah de blah bla blah pft goedmiddag blah blah de blahbla OlieBollen blah pft een trui blahblah de blahbla blah pft goed blahblah de blahbla blah pft Appelflappen"

Not bad for not taking notes eh? It is basically his shopping list from Rotterdam, what he bought in Mexx and what I want to eat when I am in Holland! Ta Da!

Nah - I am only joking. I didn't understand a word of it. It was all bloody double dutch to me.

 

 

First of all I have a general observation. The amount of hot water there is in the tank is directly proportional to the amount of time I have to stand under it. You know?

When I am in a hurry and need to get in and get out as quick as possible there's loads of water. Just sitting there in the tank, taunting me with "wouldn't you just love to stay in here and have me beat down on you? Wouldn't that just do you the power of good and waken you up. There is lots of me and I am lovely and warm and oh - don't go. . . don't turn me offfff. . ."

When I have a morning off and have all the time in the world and don't need to worry about rushing through the "apply - rinse - apply - rinse" routine then the water runs out. What is that all about?

Also - is it just my children - or is it a general mummy thing? Why is it when I walk in a bathroomy direction all hell breaks out?

EVERY BLOODY TIME I get into the bathroom someone wants in or there is a life or death situation that I need to know about. Now - bear in mind - we have not one bathroom , not two but THREE of the feckers. I bet you if I got up now and walked through a perfectly peaceful house right now (Jessica is watching tv - David has gone to play outside) and went and stood in the cold wet shower that I couldn't make it to "ten" without SOMEONE bothering me. Be it phone or real person or someone at the door (or as has just happened as I type this - my own daugher at the door playing the "someone's at the door mummy" game) - someone would.

And so it was this morning. Had managed to get to the first "apply - rinse".

Jessica walked in with a tin of fruit in her hand and asked me if she could have it. YES. GO AWAY NOW. She stood and chatted for ages - but I couldn't hear her through the suds. GO ON DOWNSTAIRS - I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.

As I was about to do the conditioner when it suddenly clicked with me. Tin of fruit. Sharp. Cut thumb. . . Baaad. Baaaad mummy! Why was I taking time out in the shower? I ought to be feeding my child properly - not allowing her to eat out of tins for crying out loud.

All of a sudden I heard the most frighteningly scarily eery high pitched screaming. That'd be my daughter then. Only she could scream like that. Panic set in - she must have cut her thumb off.. .  Maybe her whole hand. . . Maybe cut her throat. Maybe she had fallen on the tin and had opened all her intestines. . . . she would be ont he floor by now. . .

I dashed out of the shower throwing a towel round me and ran downstairs worrying about how much blood there would be. Should I take an extra towel with me. What if I had to call the ambulance and I had no clothes on by that stage? . . . 

"What? what? what?" looking round the kitchen for the evidence. The only thing dripping was me though.

"DAVID     HITTT     MMEEEEEEEE SOOOOOBBBB"

Oh for crying out loud.

Then, of course, by the time I got back into the shower the water was cold. Sod's Law.

Iain leaned over me this morning for my hug n kiss and asked tenderly : "are you nervous?"

"Yes, I really am to be honest." That got the response I wanted - he hugged tighter and said "It'll be ok you know."

"Yea, I know - but it has just been so long - you know?" He pulled away a bit and looked at me with a puzzled "Huh?"

"I have only ever been driven by your mother once before and it is scaring the hell out of me to think about my life in her hands!"

Look. Electricity. It doesn't grow on trees you know. I have just run down the stairs to get a glass of water.

How many lights can you turn off in one journey?

NO! It isn't a light bulb joke.

Here is my list.

Not counting the one bulb I have on in this room I turned off the light in the hot press. (1) Why would you need a light on in the hot press unless you were actually IN the hot press. Now, Iain, let's be honest here - I didn't see any stacks of bed linen on the floor and in the absence of step ladders we all now know that the children didn't leave that one on now don't we?

Then into the bathroom. We have spot lights in the ceiling and lights above the mirror. That would be four spot lights and two bulbs equals six lights on in one room! What? Now, do we start counting the bulbs or the amount of switches I switched? Lets count the bulbs - just for fun. That would be us up to (7) now then.

One in Jessica's room, one in David's room (oh and a tv and X Box in there too.) That's (9).

Down the stairs and all the hall / stairs and landing lights were all on - but let's ignore them - it is nice to have a friendly glow about the house isn't it? After all  I don't really want my children to be sitting in darkness do I?

So, what is the light on under the stairs for? Don't even start me about that glory hole in there. I once tidied it all out. Threw all sots of things out and tidied it all up. Put a book case in (long ways) to allow people to put things on it. After all, parking things on the floor isn't really the best way of using all storage available to you is it?

Anyway. I promise you. It took less than 35 minutes for that absolute mess to be an absolute mess again. I try not to think about it. Sometimes I have to kick things into the middle of the hall just to be able to close the door. If it wasn't for the alarm keypad being in there I seriously would nail that damn door shut. It really cracks me up. What is the attraction of throwing stuff in there? Is it just to wind me up? Well, I have news for you my darling family.

IT FECKIN WELL WORKS NOW CUT IT OUT WOULD YA?

Suffice to say, that would be bulb number (10).

Into the kitchen and all the under cabinet lights are on and the main light and (what the. . . ?) the outside light is on too - it is in the same group of switches and gets left on by accident at times. . . should I count that as it was probably an accident? Nah. . . let's not become obsessive. That would be us up to (12) then.

Next we go into the Family Room. TV blaring. Sky on. Light on. No one in the room. Ahh - the cushions must have been lonely then? That is another three as it is a chandelier  thingy. That is (15) now.

The hunt for the children has now started - you may have noticed that I haven't shouted at anyone yet for leaving all these lights on so that means the rooms have all been empty. Including the hot press. IAIN! Let's just have a look in the downstairs bathroom. . . no? No person here but there has been at sometime because the cold water tap is running, the towel is on the floor and the toilet needs flushed. I do all this AND turn off the light. That is (16).

I am thinking by now that the children and their hot press loving father may actually have been using the lights to attract aliens who have now come for their worshippers and removed them from the landing zone.

GARAGE - the only other room in the house that they could be in. I opened the garage door to find the lights on (x2) that is (18) but no children and no husband. The garage door is open and they are all in the car checking horns and indicators (or blinking lights as they are now ;OP ) on the car.

Iain catches my furious look and raises his eyes in an inquiring way.

David, sitting on his Daddy's knee spots me and in a flurry of happiness frantically starts to flash the car head lights at me.

Oh for crying out loud.

Is it any wonder I never want to leave the study?

Today I was stuck in town and needed not to be in town but to be in work where I had a couple of very important emails to deal with.

The problem was - how far was it to work? Did I have enough petrol AND bladder control? Which one would be the most embarrassing if it "ran out"?

I called in to Tesco's garage and filled up. Managed to get to to the shop to pay and spotted that they had a Disabled Toilet. Now - was that a toilet for disabled people or was that a toilet that could also accomodate disabled people? I wasn't sure so had to ask. The guy was very nice and the question was answered with a "sure - you can use it" which didn't really answer the question - but - listen - I wasn't going to argue was I? Sticking the credit card and receipt back into my purse I stuck it into my jeans pocket. Cooool! There was room for my massive purse in my pocket. How cool am I having lost a bit of weight?

I went in used the toilet noticing they had a Car Freshener Tree thingy hanging. Clever. In a garage. You know?

As I stood up I heard a very loud and heart stopping plop.

My purse was lying in the pee.

You have never seen (well - you'll have to take my word on this - because a. you weren't  there and b. I hope never to repeat this just to show you) me move so quickly but when I fished it out (what else was I to do? you can't leave your credit cards behind can you? - and all those receipts are needed by the book keeper. . . shhhh don't let on to her!) I stuck it in the sink and ran water over it. Opening up the wallet flap I found my tissue and had to pick it out to flush again - look - if this is too much information for you at least you can stop reading- I had to go through this!

Thankfully I was in a toilet because I found this all so funny I had to pee again!

Have you ever tried walking through a public area with a dripping wet purse in your hand? What does one do in a situation like that?

Other than hurry? And not look back?